Graduate Reflection: Katelyn

“19 I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live: 20 That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them”.-Deuteronomy 30:19-20

     So lately I have been in this “funk” if you will. What am I learning? A lifelong battle of that dreaded word, balance…it makes me shudder. I tend to be extreme at times, or all the time. See? Point made. If my cup isn’t overflowing, then naturally I’m a rebellious sinner and might as well keep on sinning. Pathetic. I mean if my cup is empty, there has to be a filling process right? Cups just don’t appear full, they have to be poured into.
     What am I realizing you ask? Well, life isn’t all about me, shocking I know. Verse 20 says, “For He is your life”. If I took God and replaced the word “life” in this sentence “life is all about me”, see how ridiculous it is, “God is all about me”. How vain. Now if I put God in place of “life” in verse 19, see how beautiful it sounds, “There for choose God that you may live”. I get really stuck on “doing” Christianity, just going through the motions. Most of the time loving Jesus isn’t going to Africa, or taking on 25 serving projects at once. Those are good, but when I become too consumed in them and I forget WHY I’m doing them, then I’m not choosing to live life, I’m not choosing to live love. And when I’m tried, I will be choosing ashes instead of pure gold. I get so caught up in the “obey His voice” command, that I lose track of the “cling to Him” part.
     God isn’t about doing things. This is not to say that when I don’t feel like reading my Bible because I don’t want to just “do” it, that I just neglect it. That is something that I NEED to do. Sometimes I don ‘t end up reading and then I wonder why I get in these “funks”. Well, I’m not letting my cup be filled! DUH!
    Coming to grips with the fact that if I truly understood and realized who God is, I wouldn’t have an issue of doing, doing, doing because I would fall to my knees crying, ” Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips”. I need to hide myself in the wounds of Christ.

Father I pray and confess that you are beyond my comprehension. I confess that any idea that I have of you is so far off from who you really are. I confess that Holiness is the way you are, that you do not meet any standards to be Holy, but that you yourself are the standard. Abba I pray that you would devastate me, that you would ruin me for anything but you. I surrender all that I am, and that you would redefine yourself as who you are, not who I think you are or should be. I come to you now pleading with you to transform every part of me, and that I would choose life, I would choose you. Thank your for loving me enough to show me my desperate need of you. Amen.

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Jocelyn WallaceJocelyn Wallace
Jocelyn was the executive director of the Vision of Hope residential treatment center (www.vohlafayette.org) on the campus of Faith Ministries until 2013. Her experience in the biblical counseling field goes back to 2002, and includes work in parachurch organizations and Faith Biblical Counseling Ministries.