So, men, do you settle for “the one with the good personality” or go for the “trophy girl”? You know what we mean, don’t you? Either you must settle for the bland looking girl who is sweet, or search for the hot looking girl who is a trophy to be displayed.
Proverbs gives a third option and instructs young men how to find her! Proverbs 1-9 tells men with whom they should first fall in love – lady wisdom. Proverbs 31 ends with a man who apparently fell in love with lady wisdom and is able to have the wisdom to discern true beauty in the excellent wife. Solomon ends with “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” – uh oh – guess we’ll go for the good personality. Not so fast.
Have you ever seen someone who at first appears attractive, but, the longer you talk to her, the less attractive she becomes? Despite her rock star glamor, you can’t stand to be around her because of her clinginess and insecurity. How about someone you didn’t notice at first, but as you spend time together, her beauty grows? Which one is truly beautiful? Which one will continue to make life an amazing adventure instead of a pain? Which one grows more beautiful as time passes?
How do we advise men in finding this lady? The bottom line—look for a lady who is growing in being enamored with God. But what does that mean? Look for these characteristics in regard to her approach, her attitude, and her appearance.
Her Approach — Helps Instead of Manipulates
A single man can hardly resist a beautiful girl who is enamored with him. But behind the phantom obsession lies the menace of self-absorption. The trophy girl overdoses on herself and wants others to do so as well. Her obsession with you is really an obsession with wanting you to want her. She knows how to manipulate with actions to turn attention toward her. False flattery rolls easily from her lips. Emotional appeals, expressing an inability to go on without you, flow naturally.
Yet, the beautiful woman nurtures genuine friendships. Because she nourishes herself in Christ, she frees herself to give to others around her. Having her needs met, she is not needy. She stimulates her friends toward greater godliness, greater service, and greater focus on their purpose in life. She helps the males in her life achieve their God-given function whether or not men give her attention. So, men, ask this question, “How does the lady I’m considering for a spouse stimulate others to godliness without the drama of turning all situations to be about her?”
Her Attitude — Courageous Instead of Obnoxious
The boisterous trophy girl defiantly refuses to be led. Why should she be? She knows what is best and vocalizes it regularly. She expects others to listen to her. A man initially captures this quality in his mind as a fiery independence—until he gets burned.
The beautiful woman allows God to tame her boisterous pride while simultaneously amplifying her courageous spirit. Her inner disposition rests, trusting God with her circumstances including her authorities. Thus, she freely invests herself in new opportunities in the service and betterment of others. She gains a hearing over time and people do listen to her because of her wisdom. Think about how this quality is deployed in child rearing! So, men, here are a few other questions: “How does the lady I’m considering for a spouse demonstrate a courageous initiative in serving others?” “Do people consider her a source of wisdom?”
Her Appearance — Pure Beauty Instead of Painted
Shallow women obsess over their physical appearance – either maximizing their appearance or mourning over what they believe is a lack in physical attributes. Beware that the painted smile camouflages a bitter heart.
Attractive joy—not glamor—radiates from within and permeates even the appearance of young ladies finding their satisfaction in Christ. Clothed first with strength, dignity and good works, godly ladies also give appropriate attention to their physical appearance as well. There is no intrinsic contradiction between godliness and physical beauty. After doing more than 40 weddings, I have never met the man who didn’t think his new bride was beautiful and physically attractive. However, I know men who later realized their trophy girl was not truly beautiful, and their journey together has been fraught with heartache. So, men, consider the big question, “What does her physical countenance communicate about her obsession – the beauty of Christ or the banality of cosmetics?”
Schedule the Wedding
Just as Janet and I advised young ladies not to look for perfection in a man; men, look for a lady that is GROWING in being enamored with God in these areas. If the answers to these questions reflect a young lady who is growing in her love for God, you have found an excellent wife. Get a ring. Put the wedding date on the church calendar now.
Contributions by Janet Aucoin
Many of these thoughts were distilled from Mary Kassian’s book, Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild