Jessica’s daughter, Avery, tended to become emotional and disobedient when she was told to do something that didn’t suit her. Just a few days earlier, the angry four-year-old launched into a full-blown, five-alarm temper tantrum—complete with tears, flailing appendages, and full-throated screams—when Jessica told her to put toys away.
Jessica was familiar with Avery’s pattern. She and her husband had spent hours providing discipline and instruction to address Avery’s conduct, but the struggle continued. Truth be told, Jessica was becoming weary of the battle.
One day, Jessica walked into Avery’s room to see that her daughter had decided to play dress-up. Avery was singing and sashaying about her room in the Sunday dress she had worn to church, the tights she had worn to dance class, the winter gloves she had worn outside, and the fuzzy socks she had worn the night before.
While it was wonderful to see her daughter’s creativity on display, Jessica also saw that Avery had tossed all of the clothes from her hamper onto the floor in the process of dressing up. Avery had done this before. On that occasion, she had been instructed not to throw her clothes about the room again.
Now, Jessica was faced with a dilemma. Should she address Avery’s disobedience? Should she make Avery put the clothes back in the hamper, or should she ignore the problem?
Jessica knew that Avery would not like being told to clean up her room. She envisioned the melt-down she might instigate by giving Avery that instruction. She imagined the debate, the drama, and the discipline that would follow. She was overwhelmed by the thought of it.
“Is this act of disobedience really a big deal,” she asked herself. “Do the clothes really need to go back in the hamper? What if they remain on the floor until Jesus returns? Would that be so bad?”
Jessica had the choice of two paths.
- Path A: By ignoring the mess, Jessica could enjoy a tantrum-free afternoon in a messy room with a daughter who was allowed to disobey and neglect her responsibilities. This was the easy path.
- Path B: By instructing Avery to clean up the mess, Jessica might be signing up for hours of challenging discipleship with an angry child in the hope that Avery would learn to obey and handle her responsibilities. This path would be much more difficult, and Jessica questioned whether the inevitable fight was worth the effort.
Most Christian parents can relate to Jessica’s predicament. Allowing kids to do as they please is easy (but wrong in many cases). Training kids to make good choices is hard (but right in every case). And sometimes (maybe most times), parents feel like they do not have the energy to do what is right. So, how does parents find the motivation to do what they should?
Remember Your Responsibility
In Ephesians 6:4, we learn that parents are responsible to bring up their children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” That is the Lord’s command. If parents fail to steward this responsibility, they become just as disobedient as a defiant four-year-old. This means discipling children is not optional—it is God’s expectation.
In Jessica’s case, Ephesians 6:4 takes “Path A” off the table. She must address the clothes Avery tossed on the floor. Jessica can allow Avery to have some fun singing and dancing about the room, but she must also train Avery to handle her responsibilities.
Remember Your Goal
Parents can very easily make “changed behavior” the goal of their parenting. Unfortunately, anytime people set goals for themselves that can only be accomplished by others, they have chosen the wrong goal. “Changed behavior” may be a desired outcome of a parent’s discipleship, but it should never be the goal.
Instead, a parent’s goal must be to please the Lord. That goal can be achieved regardless of a child’s response. Fathers and mothers should share with their children the responsibilities God has assigned to them as parents. They should also explain that the discipline and instruction they provide flow from a desire to be obedient to God. Children need to understand that all people—even adults—are responsible to obey God. Parents that faithfully and consistently “discipline” and “instruct” give their children a model of obedience to follow.
When deciding between “Path A” and “Path B,” Jessica needs to remind herself that her goal should not be “a drama-free afternoon.” Rather, her goal should be to please the Lord by faithfully training Avery. Though discipling Avery might be challenging, it would be time well spent.
Remember The Consequences
Choices have consequences. That is true for children, but it is true for parents as well. Sometimes the consequences of a choice are immediate. Sometimes the consequences take years to surface. Regardless, fathers and mothers must parent with the end in mind.
In Jessica’s case, the immediate consequence of choosing “Path A” would be a quiet home. However, by failing to address Avery’s disobedience, Jessica would train Avery (because children are trained even when parents fail to train) to believe that having fun is more important than obedience or stewarding responsibilities. The long-term consequence of that choice would be a self-centered daughter that values pleasure above all else.
Conversely, if Jessica chooses “Path B,” the immediate consequence might be an exhausting afternoon of discipline. However, by addressing Avery’s sin, Jessica would train her daughter to believe that obedience is more important than having fun. The long-term consequence of that choice could be a self-controlled daughter that makes pleasing the Lord her top priority.
Remember The Opportunity
Frequently, when parents recognize their children’s patterns of behavior, they try to avoid situations where their children will be apt to sin. When they see anger beginning to build, they will distract or divert their children to prevent a blow-up. That may be acceptable on rare occasions, but in general, parents should allow their children to face situations in which they will have to choose between pleasing the Lord and pleasing themselves. In fact, parents should prize such moments.
If parents remember that their primary responsibility is to bring up their children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord,” they will recognize such situations as golden opportunities to observe the progress their children are making. If a child responds to a trying situation in a way that pleases the Lord, parents have the chance to witness their child’s reaction and to praise both the Lord and their child for the growth. If the child responds in a sinful manner, parents have an opening to provide still more discipline and instruction.
When children sin, they reveal their need for a Savior. Jesus had to die for every act of disobedience children commit. Discipline conversations are a wonderful time to review the gospel and to remind unbelieving children that forgiveness and victory over sin are only possible through a personal relationship with the Lord. If parents remember their responsibilities, their goals, and the consequences of their choices, they will not avoid challenging situations. Instead, they will embrace them.
