People are different. Some (like me) are not a huge fan of things changing, for others, change seems to be the engine that drives them. The dynamic of fear of change can come crashing into your counseling room from the moment your counselees step foot in your office. It can be an important force that needs to be dealt with as it rarely presents itself as a direct concern. As counselors, we should think carefully about how to care for, shepherd, and guide someone who is struggling with a fear of change.
Consider Jan for a moment. Her and her husband have adult children who have children, and they are entering the grandparent stage of life. These are the days that they have been dreaming of. Kids are out of the house (even though they loved raising them) they have bought the house of their dreams (but there are some problems) and they are coming to you because of the new season of life that they find themselves in.
Listening Well (and Asking Questions)
Like all counseling cases, counselors need to listen well. However, there are certain types of cases that requires a counselor to listen more carefully (and perhaps for even longer periods of time) than might normally happen for other cases. This reality can be present for a few reasons. First, there is a deep desire by the counselee to be understood. If the counselee detects that you do not fully understand their heart, their anxieties, and what motivates them; the counsel that you provide may fall on deaf ears. Second, in your teaching ministry to them, you will be better served by using real examples from their story to motivate them to change. Third, you may need to listen more and longer in this type of a case because the person may have all sorts of other counseling issues tied to their desire for things not to change. It may be a heart that desires control, it may be a heart the feels they often get hurt, it may be a heart that does not trust God. The point being, while they may or may not present a fear of change, there may be some other accompanying heart attitudes that are present in the counselee.
For Jan, all of these three dynamics were present in her heart. She wanted someone (including the counselor) to really understand where she was coming from. She wanted to know that someone was listening to her concerns and all that she was going through. She also had all sorts of other issues that were tied to her fear. She liked control because in control it brough safety. She had gone through a lot of hurt in her life (at least from her perception) and she, like many, tried to mitigate that hurt. But as Jan was listened to, and those stories were accumulated, they provided a powerful tool in the hands of the counselor as the scriptures were ministered.
Understanding the Heart
Counseling must get to the heart, and this type of counseling is no different. For Jan the issues of control, safety, fear of future outcomes, and pleasure were all dynamics that showed up in the counseling room. Had you asked her if these were present when she walked in the door with her husband, the answer would have been yes; but she lacked the understanding of how serious these problems were in her life. She could not see that her desire for pleasure was motivating so much of her fear of the future. Yes, she could see her controlling tendencies, but she did not see that much of that was rooted in a desire for her own pleasure.
As counseling progresses and you move from questions to excavation of the heart, it is important to try to connect the dots for the counselee as much as possible. As you use the real-life stories that they have shared, combined with powerful questions, the Spirit will begin to work in their heart to reveal the false idols that they have worshiped. While it can be easy to point out to a counselee like Jan that she lacks faith and therefore the solution is to trust in God (Matt. 6:30) that type of counseling will only go so far with someone like Jan. More in-depth heart surgery will be required in order to minister God’s word effectively to her.
Providing Hope and Faith from the Bible
In one way, Jan is like many counselees: she needs to trust in God and his word. That, however, is on the first line in the story. If we just leave the issue there, she will find herself sailing the Atlantic Ocean in a pontoon boat when she could be in an aircraft carrier. The Bible is caulked full of examples of people who feared the change that the Lord is planning on brining. Sometimes the moral lesson is plainly stated and sometimes the lesson needs to be learned as we sit in the text. One of the best ways to minister to a person struggling with the fear of change is walking through narratives with them through the lens of this fear. This is a powerful way to help form them to the person of Christ because so much of their struggle is found in narrative form (and as was mentioned, has long stories attached to it).
One narrative from the Bible that can give us a hint into this dynamic is Samson’s parents. While the text does not overtly mention the fear that the parents have, it is clear that they are concerned for the future that their son will have. There seems to be little evidence that there were excited that Samson would fulfill the destiny of being a deliver for Israel. An entire chapter of the Bible is given to the parents and the interaction with the Angel of the Lord, and a strong rebuke by the Angel to the mother and what was communicated to her (1 Sam 13:13).
Another example, from a positive point of view could be Moses and his ministry to the children of Israel. Things are constantly changing for Moses. His life is one story of constant change, and that change is not free of pain, suffering, and hardship. As you assign your counselee to read through the Moses narratives, you can ask them to read it with the lens of fear of change. Ask them, “What might have happened had Moses allowed that fear to dominate his actions?” and other such counseling questions.
Lastly, a way of providing hope from God’s Word would be reading through the book of Acts. In the birth of the early church change is happening as fast as it ever has for followers of Christ. Readers of this book will be amazed at how constantly problems are appearing and then getting solved. Take for instance the creation of the office of deacon in Acts 6. From God’s perspective this was not a surprise, but an office planned from the founding of the church. But from the perspective of the church, they had not envisioned such an office at the infancy of the founding of the church. Have the read through the book of Acts with an eye for their own fears. Asking them to evaluate how their fears, if allowed to be the dominate force, would have changed the direction.
No matter what the stories are that are being presented to you in the counseling room, God’s word has the answer. You may need to think about how you approach the issue of caring for someone who has a fear of change and who, “Likes things the way they are”, but as a minister of God’s Word, you can rest knowing that God’s Word, by the guidance of his Spirit, will provide you all you need.
