Many years ago, before we had any children, my wife and I stopped to eat at a fast food restaurant. I went to the bathroom and entered one of the stalls. As is usually the case, the stall door did not reach the floor, and I could see someone was walking by. To my shock and great embarrassment, I saw that the shoes going by were ladies’ shoes! I thought, “Oh no! I am in the wrong bathroom!” my next thought was, “should I wait for silence and hope no one sees me leave or just get out as fast as possible?” I quickly chose option number two. I opened the stall door and as I went straight for the exit door, I saw a lady washing her hands at the sink. I called out, “Sorry, I’m in the wrong bathroom!” and without hesitation she kindly replied, “No worries, I’ve done that too.”
After using the men’s room, I joined my wife and told her about my embarrassing escapade. You see, shared embarrassment is easier to bear. My wife laughed and said, “Oh no! Good thing that lady didn’t get upset.”
No one wants to be ashamed any longer than they have already suffered. Especially not weeks, months or years.
I spoke with a lady in Mexico City who told me she had recently been released from prison after having been locked up for four years. She said she had been falsely accused by one of her pastors who had misused church funds and put the blame on her. She shared that she has never felt shame like she did when the judge found her guilty and sentenced her to serve time. After getting out she was grateful to have found a church where she could receive comfort from God’s word through biblical counseling.
What is Shame?
“Shame is the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did, something done to you, or something associated with you. You feel exposed and humiliated.”[1]
Shame is a consequence of the presence of sin. Adam and Eve did not experience shame in their original created condition of innocence. They “were both naked, but they were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). After they sinned, Adam and Eve knew they were naked and looked for a way to cover themselves (Genesis 3:7-10).
Shame is an internal consciousness of the presence of guilt because of sin that may become especially acute when a sin is exposed. For example, I was shopping one day at a Home Depot and my cell phone rang. I was asked by my pastor friend Paco if I was coming to the counseling meeting. I was already late at that moment and was a long distance away from where I was supposed to be. I had forgotten all about it! I asked Paco for forgiveness, and I asked him to relay my regret to the others who were with him that I had let down. He was kind and forgiveness was granted, but the feelings of shame for having missed my appointment lasted several hours until I could get my feelings to agree with the forgiveness that had been granted by the offended parties as well as God’s forgiveness which he has promised when we go to him in repentance (1 John 1:9).
Shame is never desirable, but in order to receive God’s grace and forgiveness that washes away the sin and its accompanying shame, it is essential to recognize and confess the sin that has caused our guilt. Unless that guilt is dealt with, it remains–whether one is aware of it or not. Eternal shame is the fate of God’s enemies because they refuse to acknowledge His righteousness.
Psalm 83:17 – May they be ashamed and dismayed forever, and may they be humiliated and perish.
Psalm 129:5 – May all who hate Zion be put to shame and turned backward…
Shame is a Condition We All Know
When you see your image in the mirror and have a moment of transparency, what do you say to the image in front of you?
– You are the one who _________ – What do you fill this space with?
– You’re the one who never graduated from high school or college…
– You’re the one who always loses…
– You’re the one who lost a good job…
– You are the one who did not wait for marriage…
– You’re the one who ruined his marriage…
– You’re the one who got into so much debt…
– You are the one who had children who went astray…
In John 4, why do you think the Samaritan woman from the town of Sychar went to the well at noon at the hottest time of day? It was because this was when no one else wanted to go. In the afternoon at 5 or 6 o’clock when the sun was going down and it was cooler, all the people went to the well and enjoyed greeting one another and having a good time. The Samaritan woman was avoiding the crowds. Why? Maybe it was because of her shame. She was a woman without honor or dignity. She didn’t like how people looked at her or how they treated her. On this day she was surprised to see a Jewish man at the well and she was trying to avoid him. But he was different from all the people. He talked to her. And after an important talk about living water, “Jesus said to her, ‘Go, call your husband and come here.’ The woman answered and said to Him, ‘I have no husband.’ Jesus said to her, ‘You have correctly said, ‘I have no husband’; for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; this which you have said is true.’” (John 4:16-18).
We are all like the Samaritan woman in some way. We are sinners. We have sought to escape our shame in many places. It might be in trying to be religious enough or we may try to drown our shame in the pleasures of sin.
When this Samaritan woman looked at herself in the mirror she might have said, “I am the woman of 5 failed marriages. Why should I remarry?” Jesus had put his finger on the most shameful part of her life even when she had tried to avoid it. After further discussion, she spoke of the only hope she had left. “The woman said to Him, ‘I know that Messiah is coming (He who is called Christ); when that One comes, He will declare all things to us.’ Jesus said to her, ‘I am He, the One speaking to you.’” (John 4:25-26).
We must all learn what the Samaritan woman learned in that moment. Christ has come and he is Jesus. He is the only one who can help us with our shame.
The Solution for Shame
Instead of remaining in eternal shame, those who put their hope in God are promised acceptance before God. They will be radiant and confident as part of God’s family because their shame has been covered.
Psalm 34:5 – They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed.
Romans 10:11-13 – For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes in Him will not be put to shame.” For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call on Him; for “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Forgiveness in Christ solves the problem of guilt. What solves the problem of
shame? It has to be covered. Adam and Eve covered their nakedness with fig leaves. They may have been well covered physically, but a superficial covering of their naked bodies was not enough to cover their shame before God. The guilt of their disobedience and its accompanying shame needed to be covered by the purity and justice of God. The solution is found in the gospel. That is why God covered Adam and Eve with the skins of lambs in Genesis 3:21. God established the sacrificing of innocent lambs as forgiveness for guilt and a covering for shame by those who placed their faith in God’s provision for sin. In the Old Testament, believers demonstrated their faith by sacrificing animals, but after the coming of Christ, believers demonstrate their faith by believing in the ultimate sacrifice that put an end to all sacrifices. Jesus Christ offered himself as God’s payment for sin and the covering of our shame. “Behold, the Lamb of God that takes away the sin of the world.”
In the book of Revelation, when Jesus evaluates seven local churches, Laodicea receives a strong rebuke because she was proud and confident trusting in her own good works. Jesus said to this congregation, “I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to apply to your eyes so that you may see. Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent,” (Revelation 3:18-19). This church had become confident in her own righteousness and therefore was not covered by the righteousness of Christ that is only received through humility and faith.
In the descriptions of heaven, believers in Christ are clothed in the white garments that have been washed in the blood of Christ. No one enters the marriage supper of the lamb if they are not dressed correctly.
Revelation 22:14 – Blessed are those who wash their robes, so that they will have the right to the tree of life, and may enter the city by the gates.
Isaiah 61:10 – I will rejoice greatly in the Lord, My soul will be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness, As a groom puts on a turban, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
Revelation 3:5 – The one who overcomes will be clothed the same way, in white garments; and I will not erase his name from the book of life, and I will confess his name before My Father and before His angels.
Facing Shame with Christ’s Help
For those who have trusted Christ as Lord and Savior and are covered in the righteousness of Christ through faith, shame is a defeated enemy. However, we still must live with a measure of shame because we still sin. We must deal with it on a regular basis confessing our sin and putting off the old man (1 John 1:9; Ephesians 4:22-24).
Shame may also come because of what others do and because we live in a sin cursed world that has not been remade yet. We still experience shame because of suffering that God permits for our growth. We may be unfairly judged by others, and we may struggle with an unrighteous judgement on ourselves. God invites us to persevere in trial and trust him to bring his good purposes about in our lives.
1 Corinthians 4:5 – Therefore do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes, who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of human hearts; and then praise will come to each person from God.
By his own example the apostle Paul shows us how to respond to a condition he had in his life that he called “a thorn in the flesh.” Undoubtedly this came with a mixture of shame. If it was a problem in his eyes, as some theologians have thought, then Paul would have had to deal with the attention that this physical problem would have caused. He wanted to be free to serve and not draw attention to his own physical needs, but he chose to accept this “thorn” as a gift from God to protect and keep him faithful.
2 Corinthians 12:8-12 – Concerning this I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in distresses, in persecutions, in difficulties, on behalf of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
The apostle Paul shows us that it is possible to delight in weakness when our goal is to exalt Christ and not ourselves. This can be applied to shame as well. Has there been shame heaped on you that you don’t deserve? It is an opportunity to trust your sovereign God who works all things for your good and for His glory.
2 Corinthians 13:11 – Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice, mend your ways, be comforted, be like-minded, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.
[1] Edward T. Welch, Shame Interrupted, (New Growth Press, Greensboro, NC, 2012) 2.
Photo by Jason Hogan on Unsplash
